Stress and obstacles of life is explained according to Buddhism under four headings. To understand these four noble truths high realisation of reality is required.
The four truths are:
• The true Difficulties that we face
• Root causes of these difficulties
• Finding a way to avoid the basic causes that may produce hurdle in our life
• Reaction towards the unpleasant obstacles of life in a way that can eradicate the problem altogether.
True difficulties
If we observe closely, we see that all the difficulties in life, is an eruption of previously suppressed root cause due to our own ignorance. Mostly people tend to live in denial state. Although seeking within ourselves is the best way to find the root cause, it is not an easy process. We need courage to own our mistakes. Let me explain you with an example. Modern relationships suffer on the hands of uncertainty. We hold the other person accountable for the issues creating an unhealthy relationship. Leaving issues and labelling them “unhappiness” or “not good enough for” as an excuse is not the right way. In other words, we need to start with the painful process of pointing out the causes of obstacles.
Root cause of the dispute
Problems don’t just exist by themselves coming out of nowhere. There must be complex structure of different factors that are involved in bringing about an unsatisfactory situation. For the case mentioned, when there is an instance of personality conflicts in a relationship, there can be additional complication like ‘lack of conversation’, ‘trust’, ‘financial crisis’ etc are. There can be multiple circumstances that collectively cause a problem.
We need to put an effort to find the deepest and oldest cause of the difficulties. We see that mostly the problem lies in denying the reality. However, what amount of effort is not toxic? What is the right way to utilise the effort? How do we reach to the base of all the problems? When we are in pain, or we are sad and that of course comes from some sort of internal cause. For example, when we confess our feelings to someone we react impulsive after rejection. Although the rejection devastates us, we should neither hide our feelings nor force our feelings on them. Then we realise that similar to our rights of expression, the other person has their rights of reaction and expectation disappears. Therefore, it is important to move from I, Me and myself to reality to find the root cause of the problem.
The obstacle is not only disturbing our life goals but also making us worry about it. Worrying is a very unpleasant state of mind. Is it possible to be happy while worrying? Therefore, rather than worrying in such a difficult situation it is more advisable to eliminate the cause of it. Getting tensed about the mess isn’t going to help us. We try to change the situation.
However, in some cases it is not possible to change what has been done. Why get disturbed then? We have confusion about usefulness of worrying and so we continue to do so due to lack of clarity. We should learn from the drawback of our decisions. The point I am trying to make here is that it is pointless to worry over something that can be changed or that cannot be changed. Things that can be changed should be done instantly and those that cannot be changed teach us valuable lesson of what should not be repeated.
‘Escaping’ or ‘Getting rid of’- what do we truly want?
We don't want the freedom from these problems to be temporary. So can we get rid of them forever? It will be nothing more than discarding the dirty clothes in cloth bag. However, we will have a bag of dirty clothes waiting for laundry. So that is not the solution. Neither being okay with the issues and learning to live with it is the solution. The momenta we learn to live with the issues we are actually giving up. It is very important to try to overcome our problems. Even if we don't make a great deal of a progress, at least we will be happy about giving our best.
Eradicating the issues
We have been vested upon with the unique power of ‘Thinking’. This power has made humans selfish in nature. We seem to think that we are the only capable ones that exists in this world. Sometimes we acknowledge that others do exist, but we assume and we are clearly the most important person in our head. This misconception makes us greedy. In reality, everything around cannot be controlled by us; however, we make goals assuming we are the master of the world. Even our life cannot be limited on our terms.
We misuse the power of ‘thinking’ trying to achieve idealistic wishes. We wish to fulfil all our dreams. In this hope we live together, because we love to live together. So we need to have love, compassion and consideration for others to overcome the problems or prevent them. Let’s discuss the noble truths.
Emotions: understanding and controlling
Everybody is confused and uncertain in modern times. We act under the influence of emotions to over come the confusion. The action may not always yield positive response. Emotions itself are a sign of disturbance in conscience decision making ability of man. The more the extent of disturbance the more insecure we become.
How can we build psychological strategies to overcome insecurity?
Having enough of what we crave makes us happy. For example, having enough attention from people we desire of having enough money to spend on things we love somehow promises security. But them, the longevity of this type of security is that we never have enough of what we desire for ourselves. Desires are everlasting and multidirectional like space.
Similarly, are we satisfied by hearing ‘I Love You’ once? We want own loved ones to remind us about their love frequently. We never feel secure and even end up asking ‘you love me, right?' often. There is no point in life where we are satisfied enough to not wanting to be pampered by the loved one. Therefore, when we talk about being greedy, it's not just about materialistic things but also emotions. We crane attention the most.
So, the first mechanism to control emotional disturbance is - if we can have just enough of what we desire, that will make us secure. And nothing is ever enough!
The next way is eradicating fear: For a person, removing possibilities that propose failure can bring about calmness and security. But we never feel safe. We are always on guard in case external factors block the desired progress. We are alarmed and impatient to chase them away.
For instance, the fear of loosing someone makes us hold on to them tighter. Subsequently, we invade their personal space making them uncomfortable. Does caging reduce the chances of someone leaving us? Temporarily? Yes! However, the person becomes more eager to leave and dreams of freedom. How could we possibly prevent someone from leaving by getting angry or controlling.
For instance, the fear of loosing someone makes us hold on to them tighter. Subsequently, we invade their personal space making them uncomfortable. Does caging reduce the chances of someone leaving us? Temporarily? Yes! However, the person becomes more eager to leave and dreams of freedom. How could we possibly prevent someone from leaving by getting angry or controlling.
These distractions however, disrupts emotion in all sorts of destructive outcomes. When a child is convinced that he is weak in studies, he may decide to cheat thinking that cheating will overcome his problem. Similarly, we can be destructive in multiple ways like lying, stealing, fighting etc.
Avoiding mishappenings
How do we avoid mishaps? Firstly we need to apply ethical self-discipline to avoid disruption of reaction. Acting impulsive is an outcome of uncontrolled emotions like jealously, arrogance, ego, immaturity, selfish etc. What do we do when we are acting impulsive? We put an effort to calm down and firmly decide not to act likewise.
What do you do when you are angry or hurt? You shout at the person you are angry with? You confront the person that hate you? You cry? These reactions are good for temporary satisfaction. but what happens after you have vented out your emotion? It clearly does not avoid any mishap.
Avoiding impulsive reaction because it does not yield any positive result does not mean that we should suppress our destructive emotions. Therefore, Ethical self-discipline is a preventive measure to notice disruptive emotions earliest to avoid impulsive reaction.
In certain case where you are unable to deal with it and so it holds up within you, do not release it on other person. Meditation, exercise, cleaning and even shopping can help you dissipate your energy.
Consciousness
It we successfully restrain ourselves from behaving impulsive when we feel like, our mind and body becomes accustomed to it. We learn to differentiate between what is good for us and what is not before acting in a certain way. Here we manifest consciousness- about ourselves and our surrounding which acts as a psychological reminder towards our behavior.
Upon having a misunderstanding with someone, if the person is biased and not ready for an explanation. It is better to end the conversation until impulsive emotions settle down. So it's about pausing the conversation before emotions become impulsive and having the discussion after calming down.
Correct understanding
Modern science has been developed yet we still have unanswered questions about existence and evolution of the world. We are free to project our own value and that of people around us. Some may be optimistic to refer 'I have been born to do wonders' where as others may be pessimistic to believe ‘I don’t deserve to be loved’. Here both the assumptions may be right or wrong with respect to different situation. We can never decide upon a universal statement to fit throughout our life. For instance, a mother’s love can not be limited to ‘deserving’ children or a person cannot justify his crime as ‘wonders’ he was born for.
Life is neither Black nor White. If we understand true percentages of both the colours in our Grey, we would have clarity. Now clarity prevents disruptive emotions. And then, there wouldn’t be impulsive behaviour. We would live happier by avoiding problems for others and ourselves.